Excerpt from my journal three weeks after Chloe was born:
"Another challenging day... I saw Chloe for the first time since the hospital. I knew from talking to Melissa last night that they were bringing Chloe [to church] today. I didn't know how it would work out or how I would respond. As it turns out, it was extremely painful to see her. I was thinking I would see her after church, not so much during church. There was an altar call for those wanting prayer at the end of the service. Before I knew it, Melissa and Alvin were down front to be prayed for and Alvin was holding precious baby Chloe. I saw them walk up and then I saw this teeny little head full of hair cradled in Alvin's arms. My first thought was "That's my baby girl!" I just started sobbing, as did mom who was sitting beside me. It was SO SO great to see her and SO SO hard at the same time. Very much a double-edged sword. Physically, something in my core ached when I saw her. My hands got all shaky. I felt for a minute that I was going to pass out. I did end up sitting down just in case. It was not as painful as, but reminiscent of, leaving the hospital. I feel that adoption was the right decision and I have peace about that, but it still HURTS. Does it make me a sadomasochist that I want to see her again?!
After church I figured I would gather up all the composure I could muster and go say hello to them and hopefully get to hold her. But I didn't exactly rush around looking for them after church and I think they headed out fairly quickly. It's totally fine that I didn't see them again or hold her. Probably for the best. I don't know how to explain the dichotomy I'm experiencing. I busted out sobbing when I saw just her cute little head resting quietly in Alvin's arms, but I want to see her again as soon as I can. I want to hold her so badly. I want to tell her I love her and miss her terribly. But, not yet...
...This is such a difficult situation. I know one day it won't hurt so bad. But for now, only by God's grace, I must walk through this. Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you that you truly don't give me more than I can handle IN YOU. Thank you that through the pain, I have HOPE. You have a plan for me and a plan for Chloe. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of bringing Chloe into this world. I count it a privilege and an honor..."