Thursday, September 8, 2011

Looking Back...

Excerpt from my journal three weeks after Chloe was born:

"Another challenging day...  I saw Chloe for the first time since the hospital.  I knew from talking to Melissa last night that they were bringing Chloe [to church] today.  I didn't know how it would work out or how I would respond.  As it turns out, it was extremely painful to see her.  I was thinking I would see her after church, not so much during church.  There was an altar call for those wanting prayer at the end of the service.  Before I knew it, Melissa and Alvin were down front to be prayed for and Alvin was holding precious baby Chloe.  I saw them walk up and then I saw this teeny little head full of hair cradled in Alvin's arms.  My first thought was "That's my baby girl!"  I just started sobbing, as did mom who was sitting beside me.  It was SO SO great to see her and SO SO hard at the same time.  Very much a double-edged sword.  Physically, something in my core ached when I saw her.  My hands got all shaky.  I felt for a minute that I was going to pass out.  I did end up sitting down just in case.  It was not as painful as, but reminiscent of, leaving the hospital.  I feel that adoption was the right decision and I have peace about that, but it still HURTS.  Does it make me a sadomasochist that I want to see her again?!

After church I figured I would gather up all the composure I could muster and go say hello to them and hopefully get to hold her.  But I didn't exactly rush around looking for them after church and I think they headed out fairly quickly.  It's totally fine that I didn't see them again or hold her.  Probably for the best.  I don't know how to explain the dichotomy I'm experiencing.  I busted out sobbing when I saw just her cute little head resting quietly in Alvin's arms, but I want to see her again as soon as I can.  I want to hold her so badly.  I want to tell her I love her and miss her terribly.  But, not yet...

...This is such a difficult situation.  I know one day it won't hurt so bad.  But for now, only by God's grace, I must walk through this.  Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy.  Thank you that you truly don't give me more than I can handle IN YOU.  Thank you that through the pain, I have HOPE.  You have a plan for me and a plan for Chloe.  Thank you for allowing me to be a part of bringing Chloe into this world.  I count it a privilege and an honor..."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can't even imagine the pain that you endured. When God's grace is all we have...and we can recognize it and feel it...only then can we have true hope for the future. Thank you for sharing this personal story. He HAS prospered you as promised!

Uncle John