There are countless precious moments that I've shared with James in his short little life thus far. Just one example: walking into his room in the morning and getting him out of his crib...seeing that cute little drooly face grinning up at me...it makes my heart melt. Okay, really anytime I look at him and he smiles back at me, I melt.
I've had the thought a few different times, though, that this is bittersweet. I placed my first child, Chloe, for adoption. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I knew at the time that it would be hard in the future. There would be hard days. Days, weeks, months of heartache. Sadness over what I was missing out on in her life. But since she was my first child, I was speculating about what all I would be missing.
Now that James is here, I'm seeing first hand what I missed with Chloe. That's what I mean by bittersweet. When I watch in awe and wonder as he discovers a fantastical new skill like blowing spit bubbles! or gnawing on his feet or rolling over, it makes me sad that I missed all these nuances with Chloe. I've had the thought "I didn't know I was missing THIS."
Don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying my son immensely. There is certainly way more positive going on than negative. But I didn't quite anticipate the delayed grief.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, the reader. That's okay if it doesn't. Sometimes that's what happens when I #justwrite.