Leaving the Hospital

Background info:  I placed my precious daughter, Chloe, for adoption when she was born.  I just had my second child, James, 4 weeks ago.  In a lot of ways, my second pregnancy felt like my first because of all the differences from the first time around.

Leaving the hospital the first time, August 1, 2004:

• Worst day of my life. 
• Copious amounts of tears.   
• Despite my resolve about my decision, I'd never felt pain like that before...including the two days prior when I gave birth to the most amazing baby girl ever.  
• I watched another family loading up their car with the new baby and the balloons and the car seat, etc.  
• My heart ached.  
• I was leaving empty handed.  
• Alone.  
• No baby.  
• Oh the indescribable pain.  
• My poor parents. 
• The discharge nurse walked out with us basically holding my mom upright.  She was almost as much of a wreck as I was.
• My dad was in servant overdrive mode, doing everything he could for my mom and I to ease our pain.  I know he hurt too, but ex-military dads are more discreet about showing pain.

Leaving the hospital the second time, June 10, 2011:

• I cried the day before leaving because I was scared.  I dreaded "leaving day".  It was so painful last time.  People kept asking me if I was going to leave a day early because James and I were doing so well.  I absolutely didn't want to move up "leaving day".  I wanted to put it off as long as possible.
• But instead, I felt joy. Oh the joy.
• A few tears as I remembered the last time and the pain that went with it.
• Complete unbelief that Scott and I were allowed to take this sweet baby home.  Shouldn't there be some kind of qualifications you have to have to be a parent??!
• My heart felt full.  Full of love for this new baby, for my partner in this parenting-thing Scott.  
• I felt grateful.  Extremely grateful for getting an opportunity to be a parent.
• Not alone.
• We packed our car with balloons, flowers, gifts and a car seat complete with our baby boy in it.

I didn't mean to make anybody cry.  I cried typing this post.  I share this to show how God has redeemed my life.  He is in the redemption business.  He takes things that were meant to be ugly, painful, and harmful and he turns the situation around for good.  That's what he did with Chloe.  He took a crisis pregnancy and used it for good.  I attribute my relationship with Chloe's parents, my marriage, my new son, my nursing degree and many other things to God's redemption of my life.  I was on a path of destruction and he saved me from myself.