Today James is 6 weeks old. I'm sorry there's no 6 week picture, but that requires entirely too much effort.
I thought by now...
...we'd be sleeping, on occasion, longer than 0-2 hours at a time.
(Feedings generally take about an hour. Not because he eats very long at all, but the eating/trying to convince him to eat/burping/diaper changing/calming him down/getting him to sleep takes about an hour. Last night he ate at 8:30pm, 11:30pm, 2:30am, 4:30am, 6:30am, 8am, 9am, 10am...)
...that I'd feel warm, fuzzy, and gushy inside about motherhood.
(Today I had a total meltdown. I felt weepy, tired, angry and frustrated.)
...that I'd feel more competent as a mom.
(Today I felt like an incompetent failure as a mom and wife. I can't make my baby happy, or keep him happy for very long. MOM-FAILURE! My husband has to swoop in and save the day all.the.time. WIFE-FAILURE!)
...nursing would be a breeze.
(He eats for 3-5 minutes at a time most of the time. I cannot seem to convince him to eat longer. He latches fine and is gaining weight, but this is certainly contributing to his short sleeping intervals. Well, that and he spits up as a hobby. Fun times.)
That's all. Sorry for the debbie-downer post. Just keepin' it real, folks.
5 comments:
You are not alone. I think most moms have felt this way at some point. It's hard, really HARD. I don't have any advice to give just all of my empathy.
It is the hardest thing I've ever done. I will tell you, by 10-12,weeks, that sentence would have gone on to continue to say, "and the best/most rewarding." However, at 6 weeks I was crying on the phone to my best friend saying "I feel like a failure!" Yup. I know ExAcTlY how you feel and I am here to tell you, it gets so much better than this. I won't lie, at 6, almost 7 months, it is still so hard, but every time I think "this is too hard," two seconds later I think, "this is wonderfully amazing and I love that little person I made more than the world." I'm still trying to figure it out every day and struggling plenty, but that drowning feeling gets better. So.much.better.Keep your head up. You are a great mom and a great wife!
Reading this has reminded me of that same low I felt around the 5-6 week mark. That feeling that I'd never sleep again, that I would never figure out how to make it all work, that as much as I wanted to nurse I wasn't going to make it much longer (both boys had the opposite problem...they'd SLOWLY eat for 45-60+ minutes). By this point I was up so much during the night that I'd watched seasons 1-5 of the West Wing in their entirety (during night time feedings alone).
Anyway - I PROMISE it gets better. I've been exactly where you are and it's incredibly difficult but it will change. Hang in there.
Thank you guys for your encouraging words. It helps to hear that others have felt this way and have lived to tell about it. :)
I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough day. :(
have you thought about trying bed sharing? It was a life saver for us, L could and still can eat when she wants without a delay (so no crying because we are close enough for her to eat when she has early hunger cues) and she falls right back to sleep. I get to sleep more too. Here is a helpful website and feel free to ask me questions about it... http://www.safebedsharing.org/
-Jaimi
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