Sometimes when what's deep inside my heart comes bubbling up and spills over, I realize it smells suspiciously like methane gas and not quite the "pumpkin spice" scent for which I had hoped. I don't love learning more about me when what I learn is ICKY.
Today I was presented with one such learning moment. Driving along, radio on, I heard a song I really, really enjoyed. After it was over, the radio announcer dj person said "And that was 'Unraveling' by Shelly Moore."
Shelly Moore, the girl I sang with in an acapella group in college.
THAT Shelly Moore. She has a freakin song on the radio!!
There I was in workout-type clothes that I most definitely did NOT work out in, but washed my car and was driving to Krispy Kreme all grungy with my kids in the car...you know... living the dream and all...and somebody familiar has a song come on the radio. I'm embarrassed to tell you what my gut reaction was.
"UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE." That's what I thought. I assumed several things about her in an instant. Here are a few of those things:
1) She must be successful, she's on the radio!
2) Successful people make bazillions of dollars. In every case. Every time.
3) Bazillionaires are always happy. Always.
4) There is a limited amount of happy/content in the world. If she has lots, that's less for ME. Wah.
I did not squeal with joy for her success. I didn't say OH EM GEE I KNOW HER!! HOW EXCITING! In a word, what I felt was jealousy. Sprinkled nicely with a little bitterness, humph, discontent, feeling threatened and some 'well-i-can-sing-too'. How bizarre that moments before I was not unhappy or lamenting my life or anything remotely close to those feelings. But then... I was.
Sugar and spice and everything nice...that's what girls are supposed to be made of, according to my interweb search just now. Not this girl. In the blink of an eye, I got to see some fantastically ugly junk spew out of my heart. Awesome.
To Shelly: I owe you an apology. I'm sorry for thinking mean girl thoughts towards you. I think it is crazy cool that you have a song on the radio. I hope that song blows up and is the gateway to wonderful things for you. I do.
To me: Girl, you need JESUS. You need his peace, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and a changed heart towards people that only God himself can orchestrate.
Here's the song she wrote. I really do like it. Maybe we should all buy it on iTunes!
"Unraveling" by Shelly Moore