Friday, January 25, 2013

Breastfeeding and Football

Breastfeeding is a big time commitment.  Watching football is a big time commitment.  I've compiled a list of penalties, borrowing the names of which or the concept from football, but applying it to my experiences with breastfeeding.  Enjoy.

Roughing the Feeder:
Two possibilities here.
A)  The sweet little babe of a child beats the mom with clenched fists while attempting to nurse.  Usually involves crying, maybe by both involved parties.
B)  The aforementioned sweet child does not latch well, chomping on mom's nipple, causing excrutiating pain either immediately or over time as the non-well-latched-nursing continues.

False Start:
The wee babe latches, nurses long enough to cause milk letdown, then pops off.  Immediately the baby gets sprayed in the face from at least three different angles as the milk continues to flow fire-hose-style.  Typically this causes a pissed off baby and a soaked nursing pillow and shoulder/arm of the baby's outfit.

Illegal Motion:
While nursing well and latched beautifully, the innocent child has explosive, pervasive, blow out poopie that faster than lightning seeps throw every layer of clothing on mom and babe and soaks the nursing pillow.

Pass Interference:
While mom attempts to transition the infant from one breast to the other, somewhere mid-air the baby spews some large portion of what she's just eaten , usually hitting whatever electronic device is near by at the time. (TV remote, cell phone, ipad, etc...)

The freakish phenomenon that describes the serenely peaceful little one asleep on her side, quickly morphing into a screaming monster when removed from that peaceful position and unsuccessfully transitioned to a bassinet or crib.

(Offensive) This foul involves older siblings.  While the baby is nursing, the older child(ren) will inevitably want to be held.  Waiting to be held is out of the question in their minds.  Space on mom's lap is no concern of theirs either.
(Defensive) When the husband accuses the nursing mother of simply holding the baby, who is no longer eating, but asleep at the breast, to get out of doing chores.  This foul gets called when trash needs emptying, dinner needs cooking, etc.

Personal foul:
Mom awakes abruptly in the middle of the night to the baby's cries.  She has 0.1 seconds to decide whether she should go to the bathroom first or feed the baby.  She decides to wait and feed the baby first.  While the baby is nursing, she very much regrets the waiting-to-pee decision.  The personal foul is what occurs if she cannot hold it any longer.

What did I leave off?  Have you experienced any of these scenarios? Or know someone who has?

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