Friday, February 22, 2013

Dear Adoptive Parents

I can't even imagine what your journey to adoption has been like.  Tumultuous?  Long?  Involving more paperwork and red tape than Congress?  Full of heartache and failed pregnancies?  Or maybe easy-breezy, short, and completely unexpected?

This is one of many of life's unfairness-es.  That's a word, right?  It's not fair at all that I wasn't even trying to get pregnant, or thinking about it, and managed to become so.  Meanwhile you guys tried and tried, maybe even were successful a few times at getting pregnant, but then it didn't last.  That's not fair.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry if your path leading you here was a prickly, thorny, jagged rock path and there were no shoes to be found.

As our paths join from this point forward, there are a few things I want you to know.

  • I want more than anything to see my child again.  From the moment I leave the hospital, an absolute emotional wreck, all I  will think about is "When can I see her again??!"  But I understand that you need time as a family to bond.  My guess is what you need me to know is that you need space.  Ultimately, I want what is best for her.  So if space is what you guys need, space is what you'll get.  But know that whenever you are ready, I'd love to see her again.  
  • Relationships are fluid, dynamic things.  Whatever our relationship starts out like, good or bad, it doesn't have to or get to stay that way forever.  By investing time and attention and effort, we can build a positive, healthy connection.  Hopefully we can be really honest with each other throughout the process about what works for us, what doesn't, and what we want/need.
  • Just like no two kids are exactly alike, no two adoptions are either.  While we can both gather support from others who have walked this path, our adoption is unique.  We will have to figure out what works best for us.  
  • There will be times, like when we first meet, that will just be awkward, no matter what.  You may feel like you need to come across as well spoken, put together, and definitely not crazy because if you don't, I'll change my mind and not place my child with you.  I'll feel like I need to come across as well spoken, put together, and definitely not crazy because if I don't, you won't let me have a relationship with my child later on.  All of that is baloney.  Facades don't work long term.  You be you.  I'll be me.  We'll build on that.
  • Most importantly:  I can be one of your biggest cheerleaders, if you'll let me.  You are raising my biological child.  I have a whole lot of interest vested in things going well for you and your family.  I want you to know I'm on your side, not against you.  If you ever doubt that, keep in mind that I chose you.  I chose you to be my daughter's parents.  I saw qualities in you, in your relationship to each other, that made me pick you above anybody else.  Please, please don't forget that!

Signed,
A loving birthmother

3 comments:

Jen F. said...

Beautiful, eyes full of tears beautiful. I am grateful for your gifts as a writer and for your willingness to be open and vulnerable about your experiences. Thank you for the love you've shared with those on both sides of the adoption experience.

Heather said...

Hi I'm Heather! Please email me when you get a chance, I have a question about your blog! LifesABanquet1(at)gmail.com

Betty Anne Davidson said...

My email is located in my profile. I would love to answer any questions you have about my blog if you are in fact a real person and not a computer generated spammer. :)