This week I was fortunate to have an opportunity to meet another birthmother. We met up at a coffee shop and chatted for a bit.
Have you ever walked away from meeting someone new feeling just plain excited that you got to meet them? That's how it was in this situation. She's fresher into the birthmom journey than I am. Even still, it was so absolutely awesome to hear someone talk about their journey and just GET where they are coming from.
Adoption journeys, from all sides of the triad (adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees), are so wildly different. I enjoyed hearing her story and telling mine. I hope we can meet up again and continue our birthmother journey together, connected.
Showing posts with label Post-placement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Post-placement. Show all posts
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Monday, November 7, 2011
Bittersweet
Bittersweet. I read on another blog that this term may have been created just for birthmothers. I agree with that. I don't quite know how to describe what I want to share.
There are countless precious moments that I've shared with James in his short little life thus far. Just one example: walking into his room in the morning and getting him out of his crib...seeing that cute little drooly face grinning up at me...it makes my heart melt. Okay, really anytime I look at him and he smiles back at me, I melt.
I've had the thought a few different times, though, that this is bittersweet. I placed my first child, Chloe, for adoption. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I knew at the time that it would be hard in the future. There would be hard days. Days, weeks, months of heartache. Sadness over what I was missing out on in her life. But since she was my first child, I was speculating about what all I would be missing.
Now that James is here, I'm seeing first hand what I missed with Chloe. That's what I mean by bittersweet. When I watch in awe and wonder as he discovers a fantastical new skill like blowing spit bubbles! or gnawing on his feet or rolling over, it makes me sad that I missed all these nuances with Chloe. I've had the thought "I didn't know I was missing THIS."
Don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying my son immensely. There is certainly way more positive going on than negative. But I didn't quite anticipate the delayed grief.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, the reader. That's okay if it doesn't. Sometimes that's what happens when I #justwrite.
There are countless precious moments that I've shared with James in his short little life thus far. Just one example: walking into his room in the morning and getting him out of his crib...seeing that cute little drooly face grinning up at me...it makes my heart melt. Okay, really anytime I look at him and he smiles back at me, I melt.
I've had the thought a few different times, though, that this is bittersweet. I placed my first child, Chloe, for adoption. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I knew at the time that it would be hard in the future. There would be hard days. Days, weeks, months of heartache. Sadness over what I was missing out on in her life. But since she was my first child, I was speculating about what all I would be missing.
Now that James is here, I'm seeing first hand what I missed with Chloe. That's what I mean by bittersweet. When I watch in awe and wonder as he discovers a fantastical new skill like blowing spit bubbles! or gnawing on his feet or rolling over, it makes me sad that I missed all these nuances with Chloe. I've had the thought "I didn't know I was missing THIS."
Don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying my son immensely. There is certainly way more positive going on than negative. But I didn't quite anticipate the delayed grief.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, the reader. That's okay if it doesn't. Sometimes that's what happens when I #justwrite.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Looking Back...
Excerpt from my journal three weeks after Chloe was born:
"Another challenging day... I saw Chloe for the first time since the hospital. I knew from talking to Melissa last night that they were bringing Chloe [to church] today. I didn't know how it would work out or how I would respond. As it turns out, it was extremely painful to see her. I was thinking I would see her after church, not so much during church. There was an altar call for those wanting prayer at the end of the service. Before I knew it, Melissa and Alvin were down front to be prayed for and Alvin was holding precious baby Chloe. I saw them walk up and then I saw this teeny little head full of hair cradled in Alvin's arms. My first thought was "That's my baby girl!" I just started sobbing, as did mom who was sitting beside me. It was SO SO great to see her and SO SO hard at the same time. Very much a double-edged sword. Physically, something in my core ached when I saw her. My hands got all shaky. I felt for a minute that I was going to pass out. I did end up sitting down just in case. It was not as painful as, but reminiscent of, leaving the hospital. I feel that adoption was the right decision and I have peace about that, but it still HURTS. Does it make me a sadomasochist that I want to see her again?!
After church I figured I would gather up all the composure I could muster and go say hello to them and hopefully get to hold her. But I didn't exactly rush around looking for them after church and I think they headed out fairly quickly. It's totally fine that I didn't see them again or hold her. Probably for the best. I don't know how to explain the dichotomy I'm experiencing. I busted out sobbing when I saw just her cute little head resting quietly in Alvin's arms, but I want to see her again as soon as I can. I want to hold her so badly. I want to tell her I love her and miss her terribly. But, not yet...
...This is such a difficult situation. I know one day it won't hurt so bad. But for now, only by God's grace, I must walk through this. Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you that you truly don't give me more than I can handle IN YOU. Thank you that through the pain, I have HOPE. You have a plan for me and a plan for Chloe. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of bringing Chloe into this world. I count it a privilege and an honor..."
"Another challenging day... I saw Chloe for the first time since the hospital. I knew from talking to Melissa last night that they were bringing Chloe [to church] today. I didn't know how it would work out or how I would respond. As it turns out, it was extremely painful to see her. I was thinking I would see her after church, not so much during church. There was an altar call for those wanting prayer at the end of the service. Before I knew it, Melissa and Alvin were down front to be prayed for and Alvin was holding precious baby Chloe. I saw them walk up and then I saw this teeny little head full of hair cradled in Alvin's arms. My first thought was "That's my baby girl!" I just started sobbing, as did mom who was sitting beside me. It was SO SO great to see her and SO SO hard at the same time. Very much a double-edged sword. Physically, something in my core ached when I saw her. My hands got all shaky. I felt for a minute that I was going to pass out. I did end up sitting down just in case. It was not as painful as, but reminiscent of, leaving the hospital. I feel that adoption was the right decision and I have peace about that, but it still HURTS. Does it make me a sadomasochist that I want to see her again?!
After church I figured I would gather up all the composure I could muster and go say hello to them and hopefully get to hold her. But I didn't exactly rush around looking for them after church and I think they headed out fairly quickly. It's totally fine that I didn't see them again or hold her. Probably for the best. I don't know how to explain the dichotomy I'm experiencing. I busted out sobbing when I saw just her cute little head resting quietly in Alvin's arms, but I want to see her again as soon as I can. I want to hold her so badly. I want to tell her I love her and miss her terribly. But, not yet...
...This is such a difficult situation. I know one day it won't hurt so bad. But for now, only by God's grace, I must walk through this. Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you that you truly don't give me more than I can handle IN YOU. Thank you that through the pain, I have HOPE. You have a plan for me and a plan for Chloe. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of bringing Chloe into this world. I count it a privilege and an honor..."
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