Looking Back...

Excerpt from my journal three weeks after Chloe was born:

"Another challenging day...  I saw Chloe for the first time since the hospital.  I knew from talking to Melissa last night that they were bringing Chloe [to church] today.  I didn't know how it would work out or how I would respond.  As it turns out, it was extremely painful to see her.  I was thinking I would see her after church, not so much during church.  There was an altar call for those wanting prayer at the end of the service.  Before I knew it, Melissa and Alvin were down front to be prayed for and Alvin was holding precious baby Chloe.  I saw them walk up and then I saw this teeny little head full of hair cradled in Alvin's arms.  My first thought was "That's my baby girl!"  I just started sobbing, as did mom who was sitting beside me.  It was SO SO great to see her and SO SO hard at the same time.  Very much a double-edged sword.  Physically, something in my core ached when I saw her.  My hands got all shaky.  I felt for a minute that I was going to pass out.  I did end up sitting down just in case.  It was not as painful as, but reminiscent of, leaving the hospital.  I feel that adoption was the right decision and I have peace about that, but it still HURTS.  Does it make me a sadomasochist that I want to see her again?!

After church I figured I would gather up all the composure I could muster and go say hello to them and hopefully get to hold her.  But I didn't exactly rush around looking for them after church and I think they headed out fairly quickly.  It's totally fine that I didn't see them again or hold her.  Probably for the best.  I don't know how to explain the dichotomy I'm experiencing.  I busted out sobbing when I saw just her cute little head resting quietly in Alvin's arms, but I want to see her again as soon as I can.  I want to hold her so badly.  I want to tell her I love her and miss her terribly.  But, not yet...

...This is such a difficult situation.  I know one day it won't hurt so bad.  But for now, only by God's grace, I must walk through this.  Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy.  Thank you that you truly don't give me more than I can handle IN YOU.  Thank you that through the pain, I have HOPE.  You have a plan for me and a plan for Chloe.  Thank you for allowing me to be a part of bringing Chloe into this world.  I count it a privilege and an honor..."