Through this year's Interview Project, I had the pleasure of being paired with Suz of writingmywrongs.
Suz is a mother of three children, the first of whom was surrendered to adoption in 1986. Her perspective on adoption has opened my eyes to an experience entirely different from my own. She writes about her position on adoption here.
I really, really appreciated being paired with Suz for this interview project. I learned so much from her story and from our interaction. Thank you, Suz, for writing your story and participating in this interview!
For
the sake of our readers' understanding, briefly summarize your adoption story.
Suz:
Sure. I got pregnant the summer between
high school graduation and starting college. It was the third time I had sex.
First two times were protected, third was not. I come from a very conservative
Catholic family and sex outside of marriage – never mind pregnancy – was a
mortal sin. My parents learned of my
pregnancy when I was four months along.
I was sent to a maternity home 1000 miles from my home at the suggestion
of an adoption agency known as Easter House.
I did not want to put my daughter up for adoption but with nowhere to
live, no job, and the threat of lawsuit against my parents and I if I did not,
I signed the papers. Oh, this all happened in 1986.
Where
does your relationship with your oldest child currently stand?
Suz:
We are not in contact at her request. I
found her when she was 19 although she had actually found me before that
herself but did not contact me. We communicated a few times via email. We have
never spoken on the phone or met face to face again (not since the third day of
her life when I gave her to strangers). There are many reasons for this status
(at least from my perspective) but to state why she feels this or that would be
inappropriate. All that matters to me is
that she has set a boundary and whether I like it or not I am required to honor
it. I will admit to crossing that
boundary twice a year. I wish her happy
birthday on her birthday (via email) I also send her a Merry Christmas during
the holidays. I have no idea if she gets these. I could be going to her spam. She never responds. I realize that is crossing a boundary by
saying Happy Birthday (and adoptees and others have eviscerated me for it). I
continue to hope that some day she will feel differently and that by sending
her that twice a year message she knows I am open to it. Oh, she is now 27 years
old. So we have been in some sort of a
reunion for eight years.
Tell
me more about the counseling you do with birthmothers. Have you had any opportunities to counsel
women prior to placement (ie, get a chance to provide them the information you
were lacking when you went through this)? I would imagine it is hard to
get connected with women considering adoption before it happens. (how would
they find out about you, etc)
Suz:
I don’t do “counseling” per se. I am not qualified to do so. A friend (a real LSW, MSW) once called what I
do “providing pastoral care”. As an
anti-theist that statement made me laugh but I got his point. I just listen. I
help connect mothers to resources. I
drive them places if they need a ride. I conduct searches. I run fundraising drives. I sell jewelry and
donate all the commissions from sales to various organizations that support
single parents.
Yes,
I have had the opportunity to interact with expectant mothers considering
adoption. I urge them to look at all
their options. I suggest talking to
adoptees (both young and old from both closed and open adoptions). I suggest
they talk to mothers (both those who have no grief over their adoption placement
and those that are traumatized by it). I urge them to talk to Planned
Parenthood, research Title IX, fathers’ rights and more. The key is to be informed and educated of ALL
options. If you are not, there is no such thing as informed consent in my
opinion. I caution them to avoid making a permanent decision for a temporary
situation. Babies are always expensive, always life changing whether you are
single or married, young, old, rich or poor.
Those things can change. You
cannot get your child back once you have signed a termination of parental
rights.
What
do you tell a birthmother that has major regrets about her decision?
Whether because she felt pressured to make the decision she did or because the
family is not involving her like they said they would or a million other
reasons... What counsel do you give her?
Suz:
Ugh. First I tell her I feel her pain in
my own way. If she is with me, we usually end up crying and hugging and talking
about it. What else I share largely
depends on her. Sometimes all people
need is for you to listen to them. They don’t want you to fix anything, they
need you to validate what they are feeling is very real. If they press for
advice or suggestions I will often refer them to other people, maybe some
licensed professionals, good books to read.
If it is an online friend, I will offer to talk on the phone, give them
my phone number. Each mother and child
is different and unique (contrary to adoption myth that you can swap mommies
and babies and no one is the wiser). What I do or say varies. Mothers like me, us, we are sort of an
enigma. Sure the mainstream media loves to push the beauty of adoption. As such, few people are qualified or willing
to talk about the ugliness of it. Mothers in pain have nowhere to turn. Even when we turn to professionals they often
tell us we should be happy or consider ourselves lucky. This happened to
me. Within a few months of surrendering
my daughter, I pondered suicide, could not sleep, would always hear a baby
crying (and would not go to sleep because of it). I sought help for myself and a psychiatrist
in Chicago told me flat out I “should consider myself lucky that someone took
the child born to a girl like me”.
Excuse me? Something is very wrong here.
What
was your response to reading my blog and learning about my story?
Suz:
Honestly I found myself feeling sort of conflicted. I cannot relate to open adoption since my
experience was so different. I also am
not a supporter of it. My position is
that adoption should be the last resort.
The fact that open adoption is not enforceable is problematic for me. If
it continues, or has to be, I would like to see it as legal co-parenting type
of arrangement. Right now, still, it is
a carrot to bait too many mothers. It is
a ruse. I have two friends (online mainly) that are mothers in open
adoptions. Despite how good their
situations are, they are still having their own struggles with it. As I mentioned to you, I am anxious to hear
what the generations of open adoption adoptees have to say about it for they
are the only experts in it. Every other
person had a choice. It was done to
them.
What does your husband think about your adoption experience?
Would you ever consider adopting in the
future? If so, under what terms and conditions?
Suz:
Probably not. For some obvious reasons,
I am 46. I have no need/desire for more
children. That being said, I have
considered many times being a foster parent.
I believe in reunification of families for children in foster care. If
it can happen it should. I would be open to helping a child in crisis and then
helping that family reunite. I wish we
could find a new paradigm for taking legal custody of a child that does require
dismantling the first family. I have an
online friend, she goes by Thorn, that is an adoptive mother to children she
fostered first. I also have another
friend Michelle, doing same. They are both doing their damnedest to keep their
adopted children connected with their first family. I really admire these women. If I were to adopt, I would want to be their
kind of adoptive mother. More than fostering, I dream of being able to open my
home to single mothers, expectant mothers, mothers in need. Sadly I don’t have the room and I don’t even
know what legal issues that would pose but I dream of homes that help mothers
versus those that imprison them, shame them and then take their babies away.
Thanks again, Suz, for partnering with me! Dear readers, please head on over to writingmywrongs.com to read Suz's interview of me! Also, lots more interviews to read from other folks at Open Adoption Bloggers, or click here.
