Open Adoption: "Success", What Does That Mean to Me?

"Another Open Adoption Roundtable discussion question:

If there’s one thing we all might agree on, it’s that we’d like our open adoptions to be successful. But what does “success” mean to you, when speaking about open adoption? Do you think it may mean something else to the others in your triad?

Let's start with a dictionary definition of success:  the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals.

I would consider my open adoption relationship to be successful if three goals happened.

1)  I have a personal, more positive than not relationship with Chloe.  We see each other sometimes.  We call sometimes.  We know of, or know personally, each other's families.

2)  I have a personal, more positive than not relationship with Chloe's parents, Alvin and Melissa.  Hopefully this relationship contains mutual respect for one another.  I respect and value Alvin and Melissa for parenting my daughter.  They respect and value me for choosing life and enabling them to parent Chloe.

3)  All of my kids have personal, hopefully positive, relationships with one another.

Where we stand right now, I think we are on our way to being successful, as I have defined it here.  I have what I would consider a great relationship with Alvin and Melissa.  Well, at least Melissa.  Alvin and I don't interact much.  I'm okay with that.  I would wager he's fine with that too. :)  No need for us to be bff's.  (not that I don't WANT to interact with him, I simply mean we stay in touch through Melissa.)  Melissa and I stay in regular contact.  She is so kind to keep me updated on their family periodically.  Chloe knows who I am.  She calls me on occasion.  Our relationship groundwork has been laid and will (hopefully) continue to grow.  As far as my kids having relationships with one another, I think we'll get there.  James is 2.  Reese is 11 months.  Chloe is 9.  It's hard to have a real relationship with a 2 year old and almost-1-year-old!

I'd like to clarify that I don't think our relationship right now is unsuccessful according to my goals.  I would describe it as in-progress.  One day I'd love to hear Chloe and Melissa's answer to this writing prompt!

What about you?  What do you think makes an adoption relationship a success?

Open Adoption: Does It Ever Get Easier?

Does open adoption ever get easier?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

Depends on what you mean by "easier".  At the beginning of Alvin (the dad), Melissa (the mom), Chloe (our sweet girl they are raising but I birthed) and I's open adoption relationship, it was really hard for me.  I desperately wanted to see Chloe as much as I could, but the sting of seeing her was so painful.  Ultimately, I decided the pain of seeing her was better than the pain of NOT seeing her, so we continued with regular visits.  Alvin and Melissa were (and continue to be) so very flexible and easy going.  Our relationship wasn't hard because of them.  It was hard because I was freshly grieving the loss of parenting my daughter.  And that just.plain.hurts.

Chloe is 9 years old now.  Over the years, the stingy-pain has subsided.  It doesn't physically pain me to see her.  In that sense, open adoption has gotten easier.  The new grief feelings have waned.  Time does have a way of healing wounds.

However, Chloe is 9 now.  Nine year olds have opinions.  Whereas in the past, my relationship with Chloe has primarily been a relationship with Melissa, now Chloe is interested in talking to me directly.  She's called me a few times on the phone.  I love that.  And it makes me nervous at the same time.  She wants to talk to me!  YAY!  What if she doesn't like me?!  Boo!  I feel like a middle schooler saying that, but hey, nobody likes to feel rejected. So this part of the open adoption relationship hasn't necessarily gotten easier.  Figuring out how to relate to your child that you gave birth to but are not raising?  There's no manual for that.  Nobody can tell you how it should go in your circumstances, taking into considerations the individual personalities involved.  Now that I think about it, no manual exists for more traditional parent-child relationships either.  Good, we're ALL flying blind here.  Perfect. :)

I'm about to move to another state.  This will be the first time since Chloe was born that we don't live nearby to one another.  That does not excite me.  Even though we don't see each other frequently, the comfort of knowing we CAN is reassuring to me.  We will have to navigate this upcoming change with a lot of grace, understanding, and honest communication.  I have high hopes we can do it.

the early years...

*linking up with Open Adoption Bloggers

Grandparents and Adoption

If I had to name one person who was impacted as heavily as I was by placing my daughter, Chloe, for adoption, it would have to be my mother.  Now, I don't mean to understate how significantly my father or my siblings or others were impacted.  This decision of mine had a stone thrown into a still lake effect.  The little waves reached far and wide.

But my mother felt it as I did.  I watched her walk through the pregnancy, labor, delivery, and placement for adoption, as she watched me walk through the same.  We shared tears on many occasions.  I knew she was sad for me to lose out on the mothering experience with Chloe.  She was also sad with me because she was losing out on the grandmothering experience with Chloe.  And from what I hear, grandparenting is WAY better than parenting.

When I finally chose an adoptive family, some of my mother's pain was eased.  Chloe would be local.  Accessible.  With a family that went to our church.  With a family that was extremely open to continuing relationships with my family.  I was so glad for my mom.  She would still get to have a relationship with her granddaughter.  In fact, she gained a grandson as well, since Chloe's forever family had a son, too.

My mom has babysat on numerous occasions for Chloe and her brother, Shiloh.  They call her Meemaw, just like my nieces do, although the significance of that won't sink in until they're older, probably.  (side note, I have no idea how to spell "Meemaw"....memaw? mimaw? meeeeemaw??)

I love that Chloe has so many grandparents to love her.  I hope she grows up loving that too.

Momma Acuff with Chloe,  ~ 3 weeks old

Pa Acuff with Chloe, ~ 18 months old

**I'm linking up with Open Adoption Roundtable.