Position Elimination

Last Thursday I was notified by my employer that I would no longer be employed, effective immediately.

"Position Elimination". That's the phrase that was used.

*sigh*

Here I am a few days later feeling all the feels about this.

In no particular order, here are some the feelings I have about my new found "funemployment" as my friend Brooke calls it. :)

1) Sad. I enjoyed what I did. I don't know if I LOVED it. I don't know if I've ever LOVED a job in my life, but I did enjoy it. I had autonomy and creative space and flexible hours and a fantastic, non-micromanaging boss and great coworkers. I feel sad not to get to do that job any more in the same way I did before.

2) Frustrated. About two years ago I was going crazy as a SAHM. I was in dire need of being employed outside the home. After fumbling through what to do, where to work, where to apply, the opportunity fell in my lap to be in charge of a car seat safety program. I couldn't have told you before then that that's what I wanted to do, but when the job opening was brought to my attention by a friend, I was very, very interested. Three months later I started that job.  Now I'm back in that situation again of figuring out what's next. What do I want to be (next) when I grow up (more)? I didn't want to have to answer that question again so soon after the last time!

3) Grateful. I know that seems like a weird thing to say, to be grateful for being let go from my job, but lemme 'splain. Maybe a year ago-ish, my employer eliminated a lot of positions. In my particular area, three people were let go. Two of those three people ran community-based programs just like the one I ran. The chopping blade that cut jobs sliced so close to me it could've shaved my leg hairs. I got to thoroughly evaluate how I felt about my job in that moment. As a result of that, I realized that my job and my opportunity to do it may not last forever. I decided that I really enjoyed what I did, that I was grateful for the chance to do it and I would continue in it for the foreseeable future.  If that opportunity was taken away from me, I would still be glad I had the chance that I had for the time that I had it. Fast forward to last Thursday. The window of opportunity closed and I was invited to move on.  Although that stinks, it didn't feel like a personal attack at all. Business is business. I understand that my program costs money to run and produces no income for the business. If the company was facing lay offs to reallocate funds, I completely see how my part-time position came to be in the cross-hairs. I get it.  I think the Lord used those lay offs a year ago to start preparing my heart for this transition.  Another Lord-heart-prep example:  Very recently there was a meeting at work where they announced that one of our bosses was no longer with the company.  This information was hard to hear for many in the room. I paid particular attention to my immediate boss's face. She was not pleased with the news that had just been announced. I had the random thought run through my head in that moment, "I should tell her that if she ever has to let me go, that it will be okay. She doesn't have to worry. I'll be okay."

WHO THINKS THAT?!?! I tell you who: NOBODY. That was not a Betty Anne thought bubbling up from the depths. That kind of bizarro thinking could only be explained by the Lord preparing my heart for a couple of weeks later when my boss DID have to let me go.

I feel grateful because I had the chance to do the job I did. I feel grateful for the ways the Lord prepared my heart so I wouldn't be devastated in the moment. I feel grateful that the Lord isn't surprised by this turn of events. He's already got the next steps figured out. I trust him to show me every step of the way.

I also feel grateful for Scott and I's friend that introduced us to Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University in 2008. Since then, Scott and I paid off $75k in debt and have been living debt free since, with the exception of our mortgage. Me losing my job doesn't mean we can't pay bills. It's an inconvenience, but not an emergency. Does my lack of income change our plans a bit? Absolutely. But it changes our savings plans, not our grocery bill or light bill plans.

4) Mildly annoyed. Switching me back to Scott's insurance after I just changed doctors because of MY insurance is a pain. I'm in the process of getting new tooth. Changing dental insurance will also be aggravating. Not getting to go to a national safety conference this year that I looked forward to all year--annoying. I realize these are completely #firstworldproblems kind of annoyances. There are a million worse things than these.

---

Apparently I'm *not* feeling all the feels. Just four. LOL.

What's next? Great question. I'm definitely interested in working outside the home. I'll look around and see what's available, what I'm qualified for, and go from there.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. :)

Nestle: The Greatest Torti Ever

Nestle went to be with Jesus this afternoon.  

Or she crossed over the rainbow bridge.  

Or she high-fived the head honcho in hell.  

I guess it depends on what you believe...

Regardless, she is no longer with us and that is a sad, sad thing.

The vet agreed today (same vet as last Thursday) that she had declined significantly.  She had a temp of 104.  There was oozing of bodily fluids from unmentionable orifices.  It was terrible.

So, my heart is hurting this evening.  

I got Nestle in 2002.  Tortoise shell colored cats have quite the bad (earned) rap in vet clinics, but not Nestle.  She was the sweetest kidden ever, even at the vet.  She preferred to sleep belly-up.  She loved licking the lotion off of my legs after a shower.  EW.  She helped me incubate four babies in mah belleh. She tolerated Scott practice-diapering her pre-James. She loooooooved Otto. She was fantastic with my kids...even with Mark, who was never gentle in his affection towards her.  

Nuzzle, we had a great, great 15.5 years. Thanks for being you.

>^..^<

Nestle: The Cat Who Lived

Today was truly an odd day.  I made the excruciating decision to put my cat, Nestle (15.5 years old) to sleep.  I called and made an appointment for her with the vet.

I begged Scott to take her.  I was too much of a mess to go.

We explained what was happening (generally speaking) to the kids.  They hugged her goodbye.  Scott was gone about an hour.

And then Nestle and Scott came back home.

I give you Nestle, the cat who lived:

My rationale for having her put to sleep:

-increased vomiting

-weight loss

-blood in urine

-increased vocalization

-not able to keep food/water down

-sunken in eyes

-lethargic

She had many of these symptoms a few weeks ago and we went to this same vet's emergency hours.  They did a bunch of blood work, X-rays, urinalysis and sent us home with antibiotics for a UTI. 

Today the vet wasn't comfortable putting Nestle to sleep with her current clinical picture.  Admittedly it was a soft call.  My threshold for her suffering is pretty low. I'm not one that thinks "pets are people too."  Nope.  But also?  I'm a nurse.  I know a little bit about clinical assessment. I used to be a vet tech in an emergency clinic.  I've put to sleep more animals than I'd like to admit.  I know my cat and what's normal for her.  Since January she has been declining.  She lost a pound since January 20th (the emergency UTI visit).  That is a LOT for a cat.

The vet sent Nestle home with urinary sphincter meds (their words not mine), pain meds, and some under-the-skin fluids.  According to the vet, if she's no different in three days she will perform the euthanasia.  

So.  I cried all day about this decision, felt like I made the best call I could for my pet, and that call was DE-NIED.  

I'm not mad at the vet.  I understand why she made the decision she did.  She doesn't know me, my cat, or my medical background. I'm not mad at Scott.  Bless him.  He was in the worst possible position playing middle man throughout this vet appointment.  I don't know what I feel except exhausted, feeling like we'll get to make this decision again in the very near future.

Nestle is currently wide-eyed from the pain meds they gave her.  She seems comfortable.  We'll see how the next few days go...